Posts Tagged ‘Weight’

Rock ‘n Rolla Part III

In Getting Married, Main, Random Fantasy Land on March 31, 2009 at 5:26 pm

Trolling the Web after Part I , I went looking for people getting married, perhaps with blogs, perhaps without, but who actually thought like me. You know, for moral support and all that. (Writing a marital blog can be stressful! So many questions about “level of detail”, or “should I really put that really unsavory detail about Him out for worldwide consumption?”. Balancing those kinds of questions with a natural need to be open and vocal when writing has not been easy.)

Turns out this was quite a challenge. My criteria seemed to be insurmountable. I wanted people who “thought” like me. This was the first issue. You see, most brides-to-be didn’t seem to think at all. And the remaining blogs were all about “calla lilly flowers, perfectly satine jewelled designer ribbons, bridesmaids being bitches, general bitchery, general botchery, fake eyelashes, dyed and tinted eyebrows, should I get boob surgery, my first wedding disappointment, drama, drama, misery, misery, this is my perfect day and it’s all going wrong, I think I’m going to dieeeee” (Gag!)

I present to the court, MG Exhibit 1

(My non scientific observations about marriage blogs also include:

1) 99.99 % of these bloggers are female

2) 100 % of them are crazy!)

I don’t begrudge any brides-to-be their moments of pondering over the perfect shade of champagne colored crystal cream-creme for their dress- I mean God knows I’m doing lots of that myself lately (ruby red or garnet red?)- but really, do they have to be so very verbose about it?  And worse still, so boring about it? Where is the sarcasm? Where is the Funny? Where is the serious thinking behind the fact that you are about to commit to someone else forever? (Or at least until the Divorce?) Surely the fact that you’re in love doesn’t mean that the two of you are going to be happy every step of the way? And if you’re not going to be happy together during all of forever, where is the deep think related content behind that? Why does nobody ever want to talk about the “for poorer” and “in sickness” parts of the vows?

While I love Him a lot, I know that we’re not going to be happy every step of the way. There will be fights, there will be DRAMA, there will be SO MUCH DRAMA. We will involve the kids. We’ll vow not to involve the kids. The kids will force us to take sides. The parents will get involved despite our many vows to always present an united front to them. There will be throwing of toothpaste tubes and slamming of doors. There will be hanging up of phones and wiping up of snot. There will be arguments over who does the dishes, and who blew too much at the bars last night, and declamations of “I can’t believe I married you.” Love isn’t enough to get over that! It takes kindness, and sensitivity, and compromise, and yearning to go back to “how we were”, to get there, not just love. So tell me, my blogging brides, have you thought about that in between the personalized matchbooks as guest favors, and the significant-to-us cake toppers?

When I started trolling the Web that day, I set out to find brides who thought like me, that perhaps, the ring and the proposal were not everything, were not, for lack of better terminology, the be all and the end all of getting married.  The rock matters, yes, the manner of proposal should be meaningful, yes, but “he proposed to me in a parking lot so my marriage is now ruined!”, and “my first wedding disappointment was that my ring was not rhodium-polished gold!”, and my personal favorite, “the proposal sucked, so the wedding, and the marriage will now suck too!”


Listen, my aspiring-to-write brides-to-be: be bitchy. Be bad ass. Be happy. Be gay. Rip a new one into your damn bridesmaids for all I care! But for the love of all that is cyberspacey and marriage related, please, please, please, stop being whiny and thus, boring!


New Year New MG

In Getting Married, Main on January 15, 2009 at 9:49 pm

Vacatione, pronounced “vacation-ay”, was, as you can imagine, warm, and sunny, and a perfect holiday. I didn’t do much. I ate, I slept, I dreamed of being married to Him. In the most non-sexual way of course. That is, until my period ended and then it was all very sexual. Of course.

In between my feminine wet-dreams, I also made a few New Year’s Resolutions.

Resolutione Uno:

To not be Bridezilla. As you will discover in a few posts from now, this one may be much harder to keep than it seems now, in the post-vacation resolute glow I’m in now. My greatest fear (aside from the standard losing a limb, suddenly discovering I’m allergic to cheese, the death of a loved one, discovering a huge zit on D-Day), however, is that I turn into this bridesmaid-ordering-around, nothing-is-perfect weight-throwing-around, glass-throwing wedding crazed crazy girl that destroys my wedding for everyone, including myself. My jaw set, my chin out, I resolutely declare to be anything but.


To lose that weight. Ah yes, you nod your head sagaciously, what’s a blog about New Year’s resolutions, a marriage blog at that, without something as superficial as one’s looks?

But it’s important, people! This is the one time in my entire life, the one time, where I’m to be treated like a celebrity. Photographs every five seconds, dress fittings every ten. I cannot look fat! It is all very well to spout nonsense about looking like one’s normal beautiful self, as one is, but quite another thing to want to look the best one has ever looked. I want people to ooh and aah because I look fabulous.

And that fabulous, folks, was about 35 pounds ago. Yes, I’ve been working on it; this is not a fresh endeavor, so perhaps I should’ve modified the resolution to say “to continue losing weight in a healthy and sustainable way”. But that wouldn’t have sounded as good, yes?

I already, quite virtuously, ignored the monster-sized double chocolate chunk cookie at Quizno’s today. Even though I had even picked it up and was ::this:: close to adding it to my bill. I put it back, stared at it mournfully, felt virtuous for twenty minutes, picked up a cousin monster at Jimmy Johns.

No dinner for bad girls tonight.

Tres et Finalement:

To really, really, enjoy these last few heady months before my life changes forever. I go from unmarried girl to getting married girl to married girl in a matter of months, and life is never going to be like this ever again. I owe it to myself to step out of the bewildering planning, waiting, hoping moods I’ve been in, and really live during these next hundred or so days, committing everything to heart and memory.

It’s never going to be like this again.

Nuts & Bolts. Mostly Nuts.

In Getting Married, Main, Relationship on December 11, 2008 at 7:15 pm


Wedding Web sites ?

Are you kidding me?

What is all this nonsense surrounding weddings anyway?  Save the dates? Send an announcement to the newspaper for both your engagement and actual marriage?

And why is that I’m doing it all, while He gets away with doing nothing by providing the following cliched aw-inducing-now-irritating statement:

“Baby, I don’t care about any of these things, I just want you.”

Oh, very easy.

I call bullshit.

Oh, and doing it right now, after he said “you know what, I am getting married to a fat girl” last night after a very frustrated lash out by yours truly on the subject of hating the gym, seems so stupid. What are we celebrating? The union of these two souls?

I’m hurt enough that I’m questioning this wedding. Some union.

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