marriedgirl

The Feeling of Marriage (Part 2)

In Getting Married, Main, Marriage's Dirty Laundry on September 6, 2010 at 11:14 am

The funny thing is, nobody really asks MG how it feels to be married a year and some later. And really, this is right about the time that things have certainly gotten interesting.

  • MG is answerable to someone: she can’t just up and fly to the Bahamas for the weekend if she finds a cheap ticket. It must be discussed, debated and argued over first.
  • The corollary to that, of course, is that most nothing is spontaneous anymore. With instant access to each other’s credit card bills and all online accounts, nothing can be kept a secret anymore, and so everything is just boring and routine.
  • Marriage really has meant, for MG at least, losing a huge part of her individuality. This is not bad, nor is it good. It just is a fact. Some days, she really does feel like just Mrs Married Girl and not capable of independent or individual thought. (As an aside: it would be so easy to lose herself in this forever…)
  • The relationship has certainly deepened, yes. Both the bad: we really dig deep and below the belt for things to say during arguments, but also the good: the meaning of ‘having each others’ backs’ has taken on a new and indescribable rock solid quality.
  • For MG & him at least, it’s become necessary to hash out and deal with every last part of an argument, whereas before, if things got bad, there was always the threat of “forget it, let’s break up, this is not worth it.” There’s no question of breaking up now, so it’s become necessary to really get into the nitty gritty of things and solve them, instead of avoiding them. Perhaps also a reason why things get really ugly during arguments.
  • Related to that- MG’s mother always said that people only ever show your their true colors after marriage. While MG initially dismissed that as 20th century Indian momma advice, it’s true. He’s shown sides of him that MG never expected, despite a long history of a premarital relationship.
  • You know all those resolutions MG made before marriage? Not to be a nagging wife? To be a cool wife! To just not give a crap if the Mother In Law pissed her off? She’s seen those resolutions fly rapidly out of the window and has seen herself turn into the nagging wife, an absolutely uncool wife, and has been pissed off with the mother-in-law.
  • Yes, two incomes in a house are nice, but it’s strange to actually have a second income to rely on. (MG does wonder though, if she ever quit and just became a housewife, whether she’d still have the same freedom to spend on whatever the hell she felt like. While he would probably make all sorts of promises, she doubts it would come to pass.) Strange, how, you ask? It’s initially a heady freedom. Then you see your expenses climb accordingly. So perhaps it’s both a blessing and a curse?
  • Being sick is not as lonely as it was before. It’s nice to have someone other than your mom call in, and be there to check on you, or just cuddle you.
  • For MG at least, friendly flirting with guys has gone out of the window. And no, she cannot flirt with Him. While you may think this implies adulterous leanings on MG’s part, it does not. It just means that she feels like somehow, guys have stopped looking. It’s as if once she got married, it was like she didn’t exist to the outside world anymore.
  • Sometimes, MG gets so involved in Him and her drama that the outside world sort of really does stop existing for a while. Marriage has made her feel more insular, and, permit her this one moment of drama: like sometimes, the walls are actually closing in. This has made her consider, for the first time since tenth grade, like she needs a do-over, and has vaguely entertained suicidal thoughts, or even running away and starting over in Peru.
  • Most of MG’s relationships with her male friends has changed, for worse. Part of it that some of them have distanced themselves from her because of marriage and all that they think it entails, and part of it is that they’re concentrating on being friends with Him as well, and in the process, forget to talk to with MG.
  • Parents. God. Parents. The expectations just go crazy once you get married and, in their eyes, are a bona fide adult now. It’s unbelievable.

Oh MG knows what you’re thinking. “Wow! She sounds miserable”. And perhaps she is. But marriage is finally showing its uglier sides, and that its not all rainbows and unicorns and pretty pink clouds to her.

She’s keeping the faith though. There’s a reason people stay married twenty five, thirty, seventy five years. And she’s going to keep faith, and figure it out.

*Oh don’t worry, you’re not going to find MG in a bathtub with her slit wrists dramatically flung over the white porcelain anytime soon, nor is she going to KEEL YOU. Everybody needs a fantasy out sometimes. And she always finds her way to sensible thought eventually.

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The Feeling of Marriage (Part 1)

In Getting Married, Main on August 30, 2010 at 10:49 am

One of the things that really irked MG immediately after her wedding was the constant question: “Oh! How does it feel to be married?”

Um, how do you think? It feels no different than yesterday, or the day before! Yes, MG is legally allowed to sleep next to a a boy (a real boy! a REAL BOY WITH A PENIS!) in her own bed, and no one can say a damn thing about it, but seriously? She’s not about to tell the likes of you all about that! Nor do you want to hear it! Nor do you want to hear that MG feels like she has faint alarm bells going off in the back of her head!

What is the proper answer to this kind of query anyway? MG wasn’t a duckling before her marriage, so it isn’t that she suddenly blossomed into a swan the moment she took seven circumambulations around a holy fire and gained a husband! It’s as if the expectations are that now that you can have a legitimate baby, you yourself have changed! Maturity has arrived with the opening of the chastity belt! You absolutely must be feeling different!Alive! THRILLED TO BE MARRIED! Woooo!

And if all you want to hear is “yes, it feels absolutely and completely fantastic now that my life’s expectations are FULFILLED BY BEING MARRIED”, then please, spare MG the trouble of answering and just ask the rhetorical question.

Sigh.

You are now supposed to sit with the ladies and make idle conversation about kids and husband habits, and the color of your sofa! Wooooo!

Letters to The World At Large

In Inner Workings, Main on August 23, 2010 at 5:01 pm

…Or maybe just the Internets.

There has been, (a regular thing lately) a lot of introspection.

I graduated with a lot of dreams and ambitions, and almost five (five!) years on, I’m disillusioned and sort of trying to figure out what I want to do now that I’m finally ‘all grown up’.

I miss Chicago more than you’d think, being in NYC, given that NYC is the manic, interesting city it is. Something about Chicago, besides the cleanliness (and the lack of smells! God, how NYC stinks!) attracts me. Maybe how manageable it is? That being said, I do not miss the very Midwestern passive-aggressiveness nor do I miss the huge concentration on meat in all the cuisine! There’s certainly a buzz of ambition in NYC that I never felt in Chicago, and being a very Indian person, it helps that I can find random desi junk food at all hours and times of the night.

Every day, I find myself sinking a little bit more into NYC, and often, catch myself thinking, well, Chicago would never have this. Perhaps the impossible has finally come to pass? Am I really becoming the snobby New Yorker that is oh-so-superior to everyone and everything else, that I really swore I’d never become?

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