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Archive for March, 2009|Monthly archive page

Rock ‘n Rolla Part III

In Getting Married, Main, Random Fantasy Land on March 31, 2009 at 5:26 pm

Trolling the Web after Part I , I went looking for people getting married, perhaps with blogs, perhaps without, but who actually thought like me. You know, for moral support and all that. (Writing a marital blog can be stressful! So many questions about “level of detail”, or “should I really put that really unsavory detail about Him out for worldwide consumption?”. Balancing those kinds of questions with a natural need to be open and vocal when writing has not been easy.)

Turns out this was quite a challenge. My criteria seemed to be insurmountable. I wanted people who “thought” like me. This was the first issue. You see, most brides-to-be didn’t seem to think at all. And the remaining blogs were all about “calla lilly flowers, perfectly satine jewelled designer ribbons, bridesmaids being bitches, general bitchery, general botchery, fake eyelashes, dyed and tinted eyebrows, should I get boob surgery, my first wedding disappointment, drama, drama, misery, misery, this is my perfect day and it’s all going wrong, I think I’m going to dieeeee” (Gag!)

I present to the court, MG Exhibit 1

(My non scientific observations about marriage blogs also include:

1) 99.99 % of these bloggers are female

2) 100 % of them are crazy!)

I don’t begrudge any brides-to-be their moments of pondering over the perfect shade of champagne colored crystal cream-creme for their dress- I mean God knows I’m doing lots of that myself lately (ruby red or garnet red?)- but really, do they have to be so very verbose about it?  And worse still, so boring about it? Where is the sarcasm? Where is the Funny? Where is the serious thinking behind the fact that you are about to commit to someone else forever? (Or at least until the Divorce?) Surely the fact that you’re in love doesn’t mean that the two of you are going to be happy every step of the way? And if you’re not going to be happy together during all of forever, where is the deep think related content behind that? Why does nobody ever want to talk about the “for poorer” and “in sickness” parts of the vows?

While I love Him a lot, I know that we’re not going to be happy every step of the way. There will be fights, there will be DRAMA, there will be SO MUCH DRAMA. We will involve the kids. We’ll vow not to involve the kids. The kids will force us to take sides. The parents will get involved despite our many vows to always present an united front to them. There will be throwing of toothpaste tubes and slamming of doors. There will be hanging up of phones and wiping up of snot. There will be arguments over who does the dishes, and who blew too much at the bars last night, and declamations of “I can’t believe I married you.” Love isn’t enough to get over that! It takes kindness, and sensitivity, and compromise, and yearning to go back to “how we were”, to get there, not just love. So tell me, my blogging brides, have you thought about that in between the personalized matchbooks as guest favors, and the significant-to-us cake toppers?

When I started trolling the Web that day, I set out to find brides who thought like me, that perhaps, the ring and the proposal were not everything, were not, for lack of better terminology, the be all and the end all of getting married.  The rock matters, yes, the manner of proposal should be meaningful, yes, but “he proposed to me in a parking lot so my marriage is now ruined!”, and “my first wedding disappointment was that my ring was not rhodium-polished gold!”, and my personal favorite, “the proposal sucked, so the wedding, and the marriage will now suck too!”

Really?

Listen, my aspiring-to-write brides-to-be: be bitchy. Be bad ass. Be happy. Be gay. Rip a new one into your damn bridesmaids for all I care! But for the love of all that is cyberspacey and marriage related, please, please, please, stop being whiny and thus, boring!

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Rock ‘n Rolla Part II

In Getting Married, Main on March 29, 2009 at 1:57 am

Were you wondering why I could talk about getting married without actually getting proposed to yet? Without, even, and some of you may have to sit down here, a ring that loudly declared His intentions?

Mayhaps you thought I was crazy? Or the Bride of Zilla? Or even, perhaps, deranged and the Bride of Zilla?

No? You’re just curious? Very well, you’ve come to the right place for an explanation.

In our, very Indian, very traditional, traditions, the actual engagement ceremony happens the morning of the wedding day.  This tradition, as explained by my mother, is actually rooted in a very efficient, and somewhat ruthless, line of thinking. You see, dear reader, the wedding day engagement ceremony is a rather practical way of saying “uh uh homeboy, you don’t get nothing unless you show up for the wedding!” This works pretty well for the groom as well, because there’s no question of giving a girl a ring that she’ll keep even if she decides to flail her arms, fling around her other expensive jewelery, and declare, somewhat screechily at best, (because God knows what bride-to-be isn’t screechy by the time she’s doing the arm-flailing) that “the Wedding is OFF!”

(Note that Indian tradition doesn’t allow for being ditched at the altar.  Probably because by the time the bride arrives in her forty pound dress, she’s too exhausted to run. As for the groom, he’s probably too scared of the thousands of bridal guests milling around looking suspiciously menacing. By the time he gets his act together, he’s already tied, literally, to the bride’s dress and taking seven holy circumnambulations around a fire.)

But even this tradition gets a circumvention. You see, as East met West, and dirty western ideas infiltrated the great Indian hive mind, Indians, such as myself, started, (and if you weren’t sitting down before, you may just want to do it now), dating.

Excuse me while I prepare to fend off total annihilation for using the word d*****.
…bated breath

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… heartbeats…

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…crickets chirping…

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It is now five minutes later, and I haven’t been struck by lightning, destroyed by a well-wielded trident, nor has the otherwise endless cycle of karma sucked me in, having finally tempted the fates too much. I guess I can continue.

You see, dating, especially, in my family is looked upon as a dirty word. Dating is considered improper at best, and reputation damaging and virginity-destroying at worst.  (Remember, we’re Indian here, and a lot of times, girls shouldn’t have a bad reputation, lest they be considered damaged goods, and no good for sale in the meat markets.  A lot of this is unspoken, of course, and you’d only ever hear in low whispers about “she had a boyfriend” with suitable gasps of horror, and sad understanding nods all around, if you were to listen in to the gossip. Not that this applies to all Indians, by the way. A lot of them are far more liberal than my parents were/are. But that’s neither here nor there, so back to the topic at hand.)

In any case, lots of Indians date. But for us, to help our poor traditional parents cope with this loss of control in the marital fates of their beloved progeny, we unearthed the ancient art of dissembling, and voila, we unleashed… the Arranged Love-Marriage.

This strange creature, this hybrid of old and new, east and west, rises from the ashes of the old arranged marriage system. It gives parents some semblance of fitting into the matrix when their two unruly children have decided that secretly skulking around the topic isn’t enough, and that it’s time to announce that they do, after all, have a girl boy special friend, and that it may be time to meet them.

Of course, most parents in this situation realize that they would not be meeting a Special Friend if it was not serious, and being of South Asian mentalities, they say, well, this better be heading down a matrimonial aisle, capiche? Else it might lead to damaged reputations. (See Damaged Goods, above.) Happily, if former is the case, His parents meet Her parents, and astronomical charts and birth dates and times are pulled out from every corner of the ancestral homes. A wedding date is fixed, and voila, the couple is, officially, getting married.

All of this, of course, doesn’t really leave room for the big proposal that should have still been pulled off before the parents were officially told.  Alas, He was still in grad school, and not having a ring to pull it off with, He decided to put it off for the time being. After all, telling the parents was as good as proposing, wasn’t it?

And really, I’m not bitter nor cynical. Sure, I didn’t have the big surprise proposal. It matters not. I was spared all that hand wringing and apprehension that a lot brides-to-be seem to recall. “Will he? Won’t he?” seems almost to be a rite of passage into bridal bliss, sometimes, and honestly, I think I’m glad to have been spared that.

But that’s why, dearest reader, I am not deranged, nor am I dreaming up things that don’t exist.  Once He told his parents about us, it was always a question of how fast, and not “if”. He and I always knew we were going to end up married.  We knew it six months into our relationship. And now, almost six years later? Oh…my…god, we’re getting married.

The Way We R

In Main, Relationship on March 28, 2009 at 1:30 am

After our New Year’s eve festivities concluded this past January,  He and I returned to my parents’ house sweaty, tired, and otherwise generally exuberant (Shakira had given us quite the work out, not to mention getting us extremely horny, but that’s a story for another day).

A new year, right? What could be in store for us? Well, you know, besides our wedding, of course.  Perhaps we would bond more as a couple? Maybe our finally moving in together (after five long years of long-distance! Five! Years!) would bless us in more ways than just a double income and split utilities? Maybe even benefit beyond just joint tax returns and spouse-covered-for-free clauses in health insurance?

The possibilities, on that starry January 1st morning, were endless.

And how did He and I celebrate this auspiciousness?

Well by eating bananas, and popping open a can of soda/carton of yogurt drink, of course! Because it is important to celebrate your new life together by eating random starches with the person you’re getting married to at 3 in the morning!

Overdue For An Update, Huh?

In Admin Notes, Main, Why MG Isn't Updating on March 27, 2009 at 12:20 am

Lots of stuff has been happening, and I’ve been diligently posting away, except I don’t have all the posts updated in the chronological order that I want them to be in! But don’t worry faithful readership, I’ll get ‘er done.

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